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Today I got a call regarding the MRI I'm having on my foot. " We need your insurance number to confirm your appointment tomorrow." "Certainly, may I have your name please?" ( years of working at a dental office taught me two things. Always be polite to the people who must call you. And always get a name.) "Scar." "I beg your pardon?" "Scar." *Crickets chirping* (Like a keloid, Simba's uncle?) "Can you hold for just one moment please while I get my card, Scar?" So I go into the kitchen to get my card and what do I find on the floor but some sort of indistinguishable liquid. I don't know what it was. I was worried that it was something that Beast (ahem) did but it was the wrong color. I seriously don't know what it was or where it came from so I instantly I gloved up, got a bunch of paper towels and a bottle of Clorox spray in sort of a makeshift Hazmat protocol and started the clean up. At that point I contempla...
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Broken foot

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What color should I paint my nails? I was thinking blue and purple to match the rest of my foot. Bella had nothing to do with it. She's just there because she's cute and besides her happily wagging tail keeps smacking my sore foot. Anyways...last night I was bringing the makings of Mom's famous Chex Mix into the house when the screen door flew forward and whacked me in the Achilles tendon. This wedged my foot between the screen door and the threshold causing me to flop over ignominiously onto the bag of pretzels and Wheat Chex exploding their contents of Chexmixy goodness all over the icy patio. My wise and empathetic Mom encouraged me to get my ass up so I don't look like a chump just lying there (my words, not hers) and test my foot. As I did so my entire leg gave out due to the pain in my foot sending me tumbling down the outside stairs. This was the dumbest thing I've done since the Tequila and Vegan Nacho Cheese Kale Chip incident last week. As a PSA I'm le...
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He had a full life

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Last summer I had a very unusual looking weed start growing along my side of the neighbor's fence. I decided to let it grow and see what happened. When it started getting huge I had no choice but to name it. I called him Triffid after some man eating plant I read about once. He became as tall as the fence. One day my enormous weed, Triffid, was getting snow on the roof signaling time for his euthanasia. So with his scheduled execution in mind, I thought I would knock a few things off his bucket list. 1. Cubs win the World Series! wooooo! 2. I'll be home for Christmas...You can count on me.... 3. Happy New Yea...(thunk)
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25th anniversary

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Twenty-five years ago today I walked down the aisle wearing a voluminous dress and got married. And for those 25 years I've been grateful for the enduring, blissful relationship I've had with....my Oster Regency Stand Mixer. I received "Reg" as a wedding gift, and he stayed for the whole reception (unlike the groom who didn't make it past dinner because he was so hung over from the night before. But I'm not bitter). My marriage with the the guy was an unmitigated disaster. We were lucky we made it off the alter before filing for divorce. But I have relied on Reg at least once per week since then. Oh sure we had our rough times. Like when Reg beat my red velvet cake batter too quickly and splattered the batter over 3 walls, making my kitchen look like a crime scene. And the way Reg blows his lid when I make an 8 cup recipe of challah. But that's when you need to concentrate on all the good things you made together, like the baby food we pureed for Zoe with ...
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By proclamation of myself; The Benevolent Dictator of the Pets of the Realm, Empress of the Universe, President of Space and Time declare that Bumbleberry shall henceforth be known as Bumbleberry, Huntress Beautiful and Bold for completing the quest of stalking, hunting and bringing to my chamber the fearsome and elusive Half Eaten Middle School Slumber Party Chicken Nugget!
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Behold! For I, Supreme Monarch of the Universe, President of the Internet, and Benign Despot declare that henceforth Paulina kitty shall be known as Paulina, Defender of the Realm for vanquishing from our banquet table and eviscerating that scourge of humanity- Butternut the Bloodthirsty! Never again will we be besieged by his yeasty evilness, threatened by his soft lack of fiber or receive any of his $2 off coupons to Great America.
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Lo! For I, Empress of Space, President of the Internet and Prime Minister of Dark Matter make my final Royal Proclamation. It's the last one because I have only 3 kittens but mostly because I'm getting a little sick of Royal Proclamations. Henceforth, Aurora kitten shall retain the title of Princess Aurora, Protectoress of the Empire! On this day, Princess Aurora has stalked and ambushed her prey, the alpha of a herd of wild and savage 𝑓𝑢𝑐ℎ𝑠𝑖𝑎 𝑏𝑢𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑛ℎ𝑎𝑙𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠 (also known by it's scientific classification, 𝑓𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑠 𝑟𝑜𝑠𝑎𝑐𝑒𝑎). After bushwhacking her target from its blind spot with an agile pounce, she dragged her hapless quarry up a cat tree and across the Amazon box to present her lifeless trophy with a mighty meow. The ferocious, the untamed, Princess Aurora Kitten.
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